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Are mismatched sex drives a relationship deal breaker?

By Lee Hurley

You’ve met the perfect partner.

They make you laugh, you have tons in common, they are sweet and thoughtful but there’s just one itty, bitty problem – you want sex, sex, sex all the time and they just aren’t that bothered. Perhaps your partner seems to want sex every minute of the day while you can just about get yourself going once a month. Maybe even only once every couple of months.

So what do you do?

Well, first up you have to ask yourself how important sex is to you in a relationship. This is a conversation you should be having with any potential new partners quite early on, because if it’s important to you and not to them, or vice-versa, then it is going to be a constant source of frustration and the relationship is, inevitably, going to struggle.

But what if the relationship is not new?

What if you’ve been with your partner for years and it’s very clear that you both want very different things when it comes to sexy times. First, you need to ascertain if this is a temporary issue. Is one of you stressed with work, illness or family issues? That will put the brakes on any thoughts of getting down and dirty.

 

But if it’s not something caused by an external factor then you probably have a big choice to make. When you are in a relationship with someone, not everything that your partner does or says will be something you approve of. You make the decision to stay with them (or not) based on whether you think this is an appropriate price of admission to the relationship.

Are you willing to put up with his snoring to be with him? Or when she cuts her toenails in bed?

Sex is no different. Many people would like to think that sex is not an important factor in a relationship – that too much emphasis is placed on doing the nasty. Then there are people who see it as integral to a healthy relationship and a decent indicator of how the relationship is going.

Are you prepared to be in a relationship that offers you less than you want?

Are you prepared to deal with your partner wanting sex on a regular basis while you’d rather weed the garden?

Then this probably isn’t the relationship for you and you both might be best advised to find someone who is more in tune with what you want. Sure, there are other options. Open and ‘monogamish’ relationships are something couples can look at exploring, but not everyone is cut out for that sort of thing. Perversely, many of the people who don’t want to have sex with their partners don’t want them to have sex with anyone else, either. Like most things in relationships, the key is communication. Be honest about what you want and what you are able to offer and ask your partner to do the same. Then, if you find that the middle ground makes both people less than happy, ask yourself if this really is the relationship for you.

 

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