Monday’s episode of Game of Thrones finally gave us the badass feminist sex scene that we’d been waiting for.
*Game Of Thrones SPOILERS ahead, you have been warned*
It was like after six seasons of women being thrown around, taken from behind* and very often, raped, the showrunners decided to throw us a bone.
*Nothing wrong with either of those things, as long as you like it, but a bit samey after six whole seasons.
That bone was Greyworm, who is a eunuch, getting it on with the massively underrated Messandei. Of course, because Greyworm was viciously mutilated as a child he wasn’t in a position to do sex the traditional way. So instead, he went down on her.
As I watched the scene, I found myself squirming with discomfort at the idea of having someone go down on you the very first time you had sex. Delighted as I am for Greyworm and Messandei, the vast majority of straight women who I know, have wanted to be with their partner for a while before they’re open to receiving oral sex.
If you were ever a teenager, you’ll remember the concept of bases. There’s always been a bit of debate about what constitutes which base, but broadly speaking, first is kissing, second is digital sex, third is oral and fourth is full sex.
It always seemed odd to me that oral sex came before penetrative, as if it were a lighter or lesser thing.
As far as I’m concerned, having another person’s face in the most intimate, private area of your body is an enormously trusting and pretty nerve wracking thing to do.
While I’ve been home with guys I don’t know well, and been perfectly comfortable giving them a blow job, the idea of them going down on me? Literally unthinkable. Which might, in part, account for why men still tend to have more orgasms than women.
I had been with my husband (then boyfriend) for months before I felt comfortable with it. Even now I need to be relaxed, unrushed and to have showered in the last 4-6 hours.
And some of us never reach that stage at all.
Jessica, 24 from London told me that she’s developed an aversion to it.
‘I didn’t always hate it’ she told Metro.co.uk.
‘My very first orgasm was from oral. But after a few years of being sexually active I developed an aversion against it. It’s too submissive, I feel bored and uncomfortable and disgusted and just want to push him away.
‘I think I might have a problem with tongues in general because I also really hate being tongue-kissed and wet kisses anywhere on my body make my skin crawl.
‘Some guys I’ve dated have thought it was weird and told me it just hasn’t been done “properly” but that’s the thing – I’ve had it done properly, I’ve had it done horribly, and I hate it all the same! I don’t mind giving oral though, and I do enjoy sex otherwise.’
Olivia, 27, also from London feels similarly, telling Metro.co.uk:
‘I need to get out of my head to enjoy sex. Oral sex puts me firmly in my head. The “spotlight” is on me, and I don’t know what to do. I just lie there, hoping he’ll get bored soon.
‘There are other problems to. In my experience, it’s frustrating. They’re never anywhere near the clitoris, or if they are, it’s only just long enough to tease, but not to deliver the goods. It’s often just done in a “Let’s get it out of the way, then we can get back to me, but you can’t say I’m selfish” kinda way.
‘Eventually it became a judgement thing. I start awarding them mental points for effort (it’s the litmus test for whether they’re selfish or selfless lovers). Even if it does nothing for me, it means a lot that they tried, especially if they ask me how I like it, and adapt. But that hardly ever happens. Maybe once in 15 years.
‘I also feel very judged myself – I’ve sensed men’s frustration that what was easy with their ex doesn’t work on me. They’ve even voiced it sometimes. But they don’t change tack, just abandon the job, leaving a vague cloud of blame, and a sense of me being broken, or faulty.’
There’s a big difference between the person you’re sleeping with wanting to be able to give you sexual pleasure, and that person pressurising you into doing something you’re not comfortable with. Just because they would be giving the oral sex, doesn’t mean it’s any different from trying to demand to receive it.
Anyone who strongly presses you to let them go down on you probably isn’t in it to make you feel good, but because they want to prove a point or demonstrate their virility.
Not wanting oral sex is a personal choice. If you’re unable to enjoy it because you’re too self conscious, you think you take too long to orgasm or you feel guilty about that level of attention? That’s your call, but with the right partner those aspects might change.
If it’s because you’re freaked out by it, you don’t like the sensation of the whole concept turns you off? Well then that’s your choice. Having a great sex life doesn’t always had to mean doing everything on the sexual-menu, and no-one should ever make you feel obliged to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, even if it’s supposed to be something ‘nice’.