In films and TV shows, the hottest sex is usually shown as the preserve of one night stands and friends finally revealing that they fancy each other after months of secretive stares and flirty chat.
Being in love with someone – as in, loving them after getting to know them, having a relationship that’s come from time and care and commitment instead of raw, animalistic desire – isn’t often portrayed as the perfect situation for, well, good loving.
And that’s a shame, really. Because while loved up sex is different from ‘we both find each other physically attractive and shall rub our genitals together now’ sex, it’s definitely not less hot.
Not to get mushy, or anything, but in a lot of ways, sex with someone you love is way better than sex with someone you just fancy.
Here are just a few ways sex with someone you love differs from casual stuff.
1. They know what you like
When you’ve had sex more than a few times, they tend to develop a real sense of the very specific things that get you off.
They’ll kiss your neck with exactly the right pressure, grab your bum, and do all the other things you always used to wish people would do without having to be directed to do so. It’s great.
2. And they know the stuff you don’t like, too
Unlike a casual hookup, someone you love will not waste time fumbling around with a technique that’s worked on other people but does nothing for you.
They’ve tried it, you loved them enough to say you hated it, and they won’t try it again.
3. They manage to keep it surprising
Even though you’ve been doing it for a while, it’s not predictable. They’re always coming up with new ways to make you feel good and discovering little parts to touch that you didn’t know would feel so incredible.
4. You can float ideas without feeling like they’re going to judge you
So you want some spanking, a finger up the bum, a session in which you pretend to be a stern archeologist while they’re the upstart thinking they’ve found a rare bone in the desert?
Whatever. They’re not going to back away slowly or call you a freak. They love you, and if they’re not into an idea they’ll gently turn it down.
If they are up for trying it, though, even better…
5. You actually find yourself caring more about their pleasure than your own
Getting them off gets you off.
6. And because you know they feel the same, you don’t have to worry about your own satisfaction
Look, they’ve got you covered. You don’t even need to micro-manage. You can just focus on them, happy in the knowledge that they’re focused on you.
7. You’re not worried about your stomach squishing in on itself
Or unflattering angles, or bad lighting, or them seeing directly into your butthole. You know they love all of you.
8. Any bodily function isn’t a cause for alarm
Yes, a vagina fart – or a regular one – just happened. No, neither of you are dying in shame. Lovely.
9. You can laugh during
True love is being able to make a joke while having really hot sex, having it land perfectly, then having laughs turn back into moans.
10. It can be really romantic, or rough and dirty
The great thing about loved-up sex is you can do it loads of ways. It’s not all slow jams, candles, and gazing into each other’s eyes.
11. You can let yourself be vulnerable
Whether that means physically (blindfolds, handcuffs, a precarious sex position) or ~emotionally~.
12. You don’t feel pressure to be perfectly groomed
Sex on a date: Perfectly exfoliated, shaved, and moisturised.
Sex in love: Yeah, sometimes shaved, but also stubbled, or fully hairy, or a tiny bit sunburnt. You’re getting rid of your hair or looking after your bod because you want to, not because you feel like you have to.
13. And you’re not bothered about getting busy when you’re wearing that one rubbish pair of pants
They don’t care that your boxers have holes in them.
14. But you can still get fancy
Loved-up sex doesn’t only happen after sliding off each other’s sweatpants. Sometimes it’s nice to make an effort.
15. You just feel more ~connected~
Sounds lame, but it’s true.
Your rhythms fall in sync, you fit perfectly, you’re closer, it’s hotter, it’s better – it’s something special.
16. You can get really hot and dirty
Fact: You can’t get full-on filthy if you’re worried about looking a bit sh*t.
Pure raunchiness can only occur when you’re not bothered about your hair getting plastered with sweat, your face going red, your makeup smudging.
You’re fine with letting go and doing the seriously hot stuff.
17. It happens more often and without all the buildup*
*Not without foreplay, to be clear. Just without all the ‘will we have sex? Do they want to? Do they like me?’ bit.
The insecurity isn’t there, you know each other, you’ll say you’re not in the mood if you’re not so there’s no uncertainty, and if you’re both up for it you can get it on whenever.
18. You never feel like you have to fake it
When you’re in love, you know they’ll understand if you didn’t finish this time, and they’ll understand that it doesn’t mean they’re sh*t in bed/you hate them/everything’s gone wrong.
Plus, they’re loads more able to get you off.
19. You don’t feel weird about saying when something’s not working for you
When you’re doing a random hookup, you feel a bit bad asking to swap positions – they just seem to be enjoying it so much, you know? Maybe this is just what they’re into?
When it’s with someone you love, you can easily say it feels like they’re about to break your genitals, or you can see up their nose, or you feel a bit dizzy. They’ll be fine with shifting around.
20. There’s not as much pressure to be amazing every single time
You can have the occasional off day, because you know your one performance isn’t going to be dissected and analysed.
21. You’re sometimes surprised by how much you want them
Surely, you think, after a while you won’t be a lust-driven sex fiend obsessed with touching their body.
And yet, months or years in, it still happens. You still think they’re unbelievably hot. It’s weird, but lovely.
22. The snuggling afterwards is spectacular
They know exactly how to position their arm.
23. But they won’t be offended if you’d rather just go to sleep immediately after coming
No awkward cuddling afterwards just because you feel like you should.
If you want to roll over and sleep, fine.
If you want to watch TV, that’s all good.
They’re even cool with getting you a cup of tea. And that may be the sexiest thing of all.